Over-affirming parents can actually be harmful for their children — here's why

It sound counterintuitive, but being overly affirming can give your child the wrong message.

Over-affirming parents can actually be harmful for their children. Here's why.

An over-affirming parent pedestalizes their child's high potential and giftedness regardless of the child's achievements or lack thereof.

Very often, the child would be considered a "gifted kid" in the parent's eyes. "You are very talented, and I know you can achieve anything" is something they might often say to the child.

When the child succeeds, they say, "I knew you could do it. You always had it in you."

And when the child fails, they say, "Don't worry, you are amazing. This doesn't reflect what you're capable of."

None of these are bad things to say, but unconditional affirmation can send an unhelpful message to the child...

...which can result in them developing a mentality that nothing they do is ever exceptional.

Sounds counterintuitive, right?

Being unconditionally affirming can lead the child to think, not that nothing is enough, but that they can't be proud of anything.

Here's how that works:

Feeling proud of something means that you exceeded expectations for yourself. You can't really feel proud of doing just what is expected of you.

So if I expected to get a "B" on a test and instead got an "A", I would feel proud of that achievement. But if I got a "B", it would just be another Tuesday. Makes sense?

So what happens when the baseline standard becomes "A+"? How does the child interpret achievement when the minimum expectation is at the ceiling?

It means that no matter how much you achieve, you can never feel proud of your accomplishments. That's a common experience for "gifted kids." (And the typical Asian kid, although for the opposite reason LOL)

That's the 1st thing to understand.

Here's the 2nd:

When over-affirming parents brush of the child's failures with sentiments like "Don't worry about it, you're still the best," it may be coming from good intentions. They're trying to brush away shame.

But what they're actually doing is invalidating the failure — but validating failure is exactly what they need to be doing.

VaLiDaTe FaIlUre??

Yes. Validate failure.

Here's what happens when you INvalidate failure:

You give confusing signals: when the child receives affirmations when they succeed AND affirmations when they fail, they are not given a clear signal for which way is up.
You don't help improvement: you fail to help the child see where they went wrong and what they can do better. You need to help them acknowledge the failure and what they didn't do well enough so that success will mean a lot more.
You devalue effort: gifted kids get the same positive signals regardless of success or failure, and success is already a given anyway. So even when they work their butts off to achieve something, the effort doesn't mean much because everything is expected to come easily to them.

It's only when failure is validated and success is properly recognized that the child's efforts actually mean something.

Let's talk about expectations again: shouldn't we have high standards?

There's a difference between setting high goals and normalizing high expectations.

People who grew up under high expectations often feel they have to succeed 100% of the time and to always be the person with the answers. This can lead to intolerance of their own failures, and avoidance of situations where they might fail.

High goals and faith in a person's potential must be coupled with a healthy relationship with failure.

As the person matures, this healthy relationship with failure will include a sense of pride not merely based on exceeding expectations but also on progress and effort.

This is how it's possible to feel proud of getting a "B" even when the expectation is a "B": when the student acknowledges the progress they have made and the effort they put in to get there.

So yes, it's possible to feel proud of meeting expectations, but that's something the individual has to learn themselves.

Over-affirming parents can harm their child by normalizing high expectations and invalidating failures. Something our Millennial and upcoming Gen Z parents should learn.

Stay purposeful.

– Nathanael

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