How to understand it, care for yourself, and support those who are grieving.
Do you understand grief? Do you know how to support those who are grieving?
If you're the one grieving, the experience is disorienting. You may not know which way is up, or how to move forward.
If you know someone who is grieving, it can be uncomfortable. You may second guess every effort you make to support them.
If you relate to any of that, then you may find this introductory look helpful.
Understanding Grief
You may suddenly start laughing at a loved one's funeral. You're not sure where it comes from, and you feel like a jackass for doing so. But it all feels wrong. The loss probably felt ridiculous, especially if you didn't have a long enough period of saying goodbye.
Grief is a force of nature that is essential in the human experience. It comes with the temporal nature of existence. But it isn't a bad thing. It's important to understand that grief stems from the presence of love. If you didn't care, this would all be easier. Sometimes we wonder how there could be any good in a world filled with sorrow. But the very reason you feel the pain of loss is because you loved in the first place--and love is the greatest good there is in the world.
Grief can manifest in various, sometimes paradoxical, ways such as laughter, tears, numbness, agitation, or self-blame. Sometimes you may not be aware that you are grieving. But your body knows. You may find yourself sighing a lot for no apparent reason. You may get a mysterious head, neck, shoulder, or chest ache if you suppress the emotions enough. Pay attention to your body. It doesn't lie, even if you lie to yourself.
Grief is dynamic and varies in intensity as it winds its way through a person. Numbness on one side, unending tears on the other.
Transformed Relationship
Grief is the acute phase immediately following the loss. Mourning is the process through which grief evolves into a newfound perspective and understanding.
Mourning well involves realizing that your relationship with the lost one is not ended--it's not something you "push through"--but rather it is transformed.
Mourning well is integrating the loss--it's now a part of you. Life and death reconcile, and the world is revealed as a place that can hold everything, including what's gone. If you let it, your relationship with the person who died can continue richly, however differently.
Isolation
Grief can be isolating, as it's difficult to bring the burden to others, especially if the griever isn't used to asking for help. It may feel wrong to ask others to help carry the weight of sorrow.
Another reason for feelings of isolation is because the world keeps turning. To someone who is grieving, major parts of life may seem to have frozen as they figure out what the new normal will look like, and the seeming indifference of the world around them can make them feel angry and separated from everyone else.
Other people who may not understand their loss can unknowingly contribute to the struggle. The one who is grieving just wants to be able to talk about their loss without being treated differently.
Complicated Grief
After several months, typically around the six-month mark, there is an inflection point when a sense of normalcy settles in. This is the usual time of healing from grief when there is a light at the end of the tunnel and the person can breathe again. But sometimes the intense mourning persists well beyond that time. When it does, it may turn into complicated or prolonged or pathological grief.
This kind of grief is often accompanied by bouts of depression, a new or exacerbated medical condition, or substance abuse. Intrusive and violent thoughts and guilt are common. At this point, grief has moved from a useful and healthy process to a harmful one.
Complicated grief is common among people predisposed to mental illness, addiction, trauma, or unresolved conflict with the deceased.
How to care for yourself
The first thing to understand is that you never “get over” the death of a loved one. As mentioned before, you don’t actually lose that relationship—it transforms. So healing is coming to terms with the loss and reestablishing a new sense of life in light of that new relationship.
Here are a few ideas for caring for yourself during a time of mourning:
- Take time off work. People come up with all kinds of excuses to keep working. They also use work as a distraction. But if you really want to process grief healthily, taking time away is crucial. Try negotiating with your manager if you need to.
- Seeking support from religious chaplains or hospice providers. These people are free resources, and they want to help. Communicate what you need to get the best out of it.
- Join a support group. There are many in-person and online. Even if it feels isolating, you are likely not the only one experiencing a situation like yours.
- Try psychotherapy. Especially if you tend to struggle with mental health. Especially if you are experiencing complicated grief over an extended period of time.
- Journal. Find ways to articulate your thoughts and emotions. If you aren't used to journaling, a good starting place is to write down all the questions that may be bombarding you, no matter how weird, angry, or socially unacceptable to say out loud.
- Meditate. Meditation will feel especially scary because it makes you feel all those emotions without distraction. And feeling those emotions may be the last thing you want to do. If so, try a meditation technique focused on taking a step back, expanding your perspective, and calming the mind.
- Engage in rituals
Rituals are a lost art in modern culture, but they are very beneficial, especially when experiencing turbulence like the loss of a loved one. Hindus encourage the removal of hair during mourning, while Jews grow theirs (as beards). Practices vary widely, so pick one or more that resonate with you. Research shows that performing rituals after a loss helps to ground us in the fundamentals of life.
Remember that you don’t want to rush through the grieving process, no matter how incentivized you might be to get done with it. Grieving is a rite of passage and is important in a healthy experience of a full life.
How to support someone who is grieving
If you know someone who is grieving, it can feel confusing and scary to find ways to support them. Know that just showing up makes a difference. The person may not even know what they need in the middle of their grief, so don’t be afraid to just find something yourself to give. Here are some ideas:
- Comfort food. You can take one daily task off their hands by bringing them meals.
- Photos. Giving them a scrapbook-like collection of pictures can be a thoughtful gift.
- Provide ways for them to take time away. Offer to watch the kids so they can take a day off, or invite them to join you for a weekend getaway.
- Be with them, even in silence. Sometimes all you need is silent presence. Don't feel pressured to say something to fill the void.
- Remind them that they are loved. At the very least, remind them in word and deed that they are loved, and that they are not alone.
Bottom Line
Grief is not forever. So rather than trying to avoid it, embrace it for what it can bring. Remember that your grief is the fruit of having loved--and still loving. It is a raw and tender time, and it can bring out the truth in many things. Sometimes your other relationships with friends and loved ones come into new light through this shared experience. There is opportunity and sweetness in there. Embrace it.
Stay purposeful.
– Nathanael
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