October 26

What Dancing Taught Me About Relationships

We all know leading is a skill, but did you know following is a skill as well?

“Too soft!”

The instructor tapped my elbow into position as though we were in a martial arts dojo. He pressed into my arm to test my strength, daring my joints to collapse.

“You’re not leading. She has no idea what you want her to do,” he explained. “Hold your frame. Maintain tension. Engage the whole body. Try again.”

I tried again, moving my joints firmly and clearly. My dance partner responded. This time, the sequence felt more natural. More controlled.

When I reflected on it, I realized I had picked up a gold nugget that will forever improve my relationships:

Leadership and followership.

Dancing taught me that relationships work best when both partners understand their roles and do them well. We all know leading is a skill, but did you know following is a skill as well?

Framing

I remember one of the first dates I ever went on. It was… fine. And it was my fault.

She was really nice, kind, and a little quirky, in a good way. Conversation was polite, vanilla, sprinkled with a couple of jokes, and… awkward.

Awkward because… well, here’s the thing to understand about awkwardness. As far as I can tell, there are three main causes of awkwardness: conflict, lack of responsiveness, and lack of leadership. The third is most applicable to us here.

When there is a lack of framing in a social interaction, when all parties are reactive, waiting for someone else to carry the conversation, things get awkward. And I think that’s what happened on that date.

When the leader leads his dance partner in a twirl, he is doing more than merely holding her hand above her head. His whole body is engaged, creating framing and keeping her in it.

Framing is the creation of a space within and around which the dance is executed, also serving as a method of nonverbal communication to the follower of what the leader has in mind.

It’s like a ski slope, creating a winding path to guide skiers down the mountain. It’s like the jump ramps that give leverage for the coolest stunts — and catches them on the other side.

Framing also provides things like counterbalance, tension, and boundaries. It creates a bubble of security, or an anchor of stability, around which the dance revolves.

Every social interaction, but especially in romantic relationships, framing is necessary. What is the tone of the conversation? What is the other person like? And even if we sit in silence for a moment, is it a comfortable type of silence, or is it insecure and desperate? This task of framing typically falls on one person.

A good leader isn’t controlling. He never forces his partner to do something she is uncomfortable with or that she is unready for. He is gentle and patient, and always aware of her needs. If she struggles to keep up, he adjusts accordingly.

Here’s a better way to think about it: a leader doesn’t dictate a direction; he invites her into it. Each signal he gives is an articulation of his intention while remaining open to her acceptance, or rejection.

The leader holds a strong frame that sets the tone of the relationship. He articulates his intentions, gives space for her to express herself, and catches her on the other side. If he doesn’t do this, she falls. Or she is too afraid to even try.

So what happens when both parties are waiting for the other to lead? Nothing happens. And things get awkward.

Unsurprisingly, I didn’t get a second date.

Enjoying this so far?

Stay in your lane

I recently saw an Instagram reel from a country swing account about what the guy called “alpha girls.” These are followers who, consciously or not, try to take the lead in the dance. This means she sets the pace, the direction, and dictates the stunts.

The reasons vary. Maybe she was more used to the leading role in dancing (or in life?). Maybe her partner is less experienced, less skilled, and she wants it to be more interesting. Or maybe she lacks trust due to past (dancing) relationships.

But if a follower does that, it sucks the life out of the connection. They may be able to get through the dance, but it wouldn’t be a pleasant experience for either of them. And isn’t that how lots of relationships are?

I remember observing a couple who experienced this tension. She pushed back against him every step of the way, in every decision they made. She may have thought she was challenging him to be better — she was doing everything but. He eventually shut down, took the backseat, and grew resentful, all of which frustrated her even more.

Followers learn to let go of control. That doesn’t mean they have no agency. If they experience discomfort or uncertainty, they should communicate that. But they have to choose whether to accept an imperfect dance or if they would rather have a dance that goes the way they think it should go even if it sacrifices connection with their partners.

She is attentive and responsive to her partner’s cues. She is constantly watching, feeling the subtle tugs and invisible shape of his frame. If she’s not paying attention, she can easily spiral out of it.

She trusts his lead and is ready to follow his direction. This requires a certain level of vulnerability and a willingness to let go of control. But that’s how a deeper connection is formed. And that’s where the beauty of dance is.

‍In all my observations, when both parties vie for leadership in a relationship, the result is not true leadership. It’s tyranny. These relationships quickly fall apart in resentment.

But when there is a clear follower who is attentive and trusting in the leader’s frame, both will be happier and the relationship will come to life.

A metaphor for life

In a successful dance partnership, both leader and follower understand their roles and are focused on building something together that is bigger than themselves.

He creates the frame; she enlivens. His role is to provide direction and structure, while her role is to interpret and execute. He provides the framework; she fills it in with life and flair.

For this to work, both partners must be attentive to each other, always willing to adjust their expectations accordingly and respecting the roles assigned to them. They can be at their best individually when they focus on their part of the relationship and entrust the rest to their partner. This is the key to a successful and harmonious relationship, both on the dance floor and in life.

Ever since I understood the principles of leadership and followership, I’ve sought to apply it in my own relationships. I still fail often, due to deep-seated insecurities, but I’ve noted considerable improvement in my interactions with women. I know we can all benefit from learning to lead with clarity and follow with trust. When people understand their roles and do them well, everyone flourishes.

Stay purposeful.

– Nathanael